New Passion

Don"t worry my passion of decorative for events as i posted earlier in the school year is still there.

This isn't really a passion I guess, but this is something I need to start doing and that is loving the person I am. Yea majority of the time I am always doubting myself on everything: how I look, what I do what I say etc.. I believe the reason why I am writing this is because prom is coming up.
 I was never really excited about prom and at first I truly didn't want to go. I decided to go still not really caring about it. After today spending 4 hours helping my friend get ready and watching all her other classmates get ready (at someones house) my anxiety started to increase. I am not even going to lie this is a bit off topic but the class of 2015 so far has really bodieddddd prom (peep the emphasis on all the d's).  After watching her today and tearing up a bit I realized that I should be a bit excited about prom. I know I definitely wont win best dressed or even be in the top 15 best dressed but I realized who cares. This will be the first time I fully dress up and everything. I believe I am doubting myself because I wont like the way I look dealing with my hair and body. But i just pray everything goes right so that my sensitive ass wont cry even though there is a possibility that I will.

P.S I still by Saturday need to buy shoes, a clutch, jewelry, a makeup artist, how I will have my hair, and my nails. Yea its a lot but i also pray I find everything this weekend.

this year...........

So senior year has been fun and all but it hasn't been going as I planned. My plan was to have a prom outfit by the beginning of May and to go away for college and to save a ton of money. Everything happened the opposite. To this day I still have no idea how I will look for prom and I don’t think I will look all fabulous and all. Unfortunately I can’t go away to college because I can’t afford if and no I haven’t won a scholarship. This is a real bummer for me because my dream is to go away and that can’t happen because of my financial status and the government decides to be cheap with giving me money. Now it is basically the end of the school year and I have to rush to find money and everything for prom and the rest of the year. I feel that teachers shouldn't give any more work because school is technically over we are already stressed enough especially me. Well now I have to take a CUNY placement test and it better be easy because I would like to be placed in a higher level class. So whoever staying in the city for college see you around this year because I will be going away once May 2016 hits. Also I am going to City Tech (Brooklyn) yayy (sarcasm voice).

But anyway senior trip was so much fun and I wish it was longer. I can’t wait till prom and Six Flags after prom sounds so much fun. Graduation will be so sad but we won’t be saying goodbye to each other, we would be saying see you soon because I know I am not ready to say goodbye to some people at TMA.

Including weekends and all here are some countdowns:

Rites of passage: 7 days

Prom: 21 days

Senior BBQ: 27 days

Graduation: 42 days

This is all I have but I hope everyone is enjoying their senior year!!!!! :)

Its Time.........

Ok AP students its about time to take this freaking AP test. Am I prepared? Do I feel like I will pass? Hell no! But I am obviously still going to try. This annoying ass 3 hour test consists of I don't know how many multiple choice questions (to do in a hour) and 3 essays (to do in 2 hours). No offense Hege but I hate taking English class almost just as much as History (that's still top hated). Sometimes I feel as if there is no point of me taking it because I know I will fail but I think im mainly doing that so I don't have to take her final. This year is coming to an end and I have been so stressed out and emotionally drained. I hate all the timed writing we do in class and I haven't really been improving on it. The little mock test we took earlier in the week to me was a bit easier shockingly. I found the multiple choice texts to be interesting and only in that test I probably would have passed (I think it was just that one test). I truly do hope that on May 6th when I look at that test it will be easier and I will try to pass and I just hope I do.

Poem (its not all that just a quick something)

You may know her but you don’t know her story.

You see her as that typical smart girl

who is always laughing and enjoying life.

But once she leaves her friends there are times where she goes home

Crying herself to sleep,

Wishing she was dead,

And at times started to cut herself.

A smile on someones face isn't always real.

She goes home wishing she was better;

Having a better body,

Having better hair,

And just having a better life.

 “I just don’t know what to do anymore”

Everyday is a struggle for her to be happy.

But there can be those days where she wakes up happy.

Years and years go by

Still feeling alone and depressed.

Till one day

She woke up with confidence

She tries something new with her look

“it takes one step at a time but I can do it”

Now today

She is starting to accept herself for who she is

And is starting to love herself

And this moment was a beautiful moment

Because she learned to accept life

Just the way it is.

She learned that life isn't always easy,

But in order to keep moving forward

She needs that positive motivation

In herself.

No offense Hegeman

AP English can be a serious headache at times. Right now in my mind I'm saying that I better pass that AP test this year after all this work we doing.
So we are reading a book called Heart Of Darkness and I hate it. The book is hard to understand and sometimes he be doing too much when describing certain things. This book is only like what 100 pages and we been reading it for 4 weeks now and still not done. Yea that's how hard it is. When we read it in class we have to stop about 4 times per page because it gets really confusing. Especially since Conrad (the author) sometimes doesn't use names for certain characters; we would sit in class like who is Marlow (main character) talking too. There's certain parts of the book that are easier to understand and interesting but other than that I personally don't like the book and I cant wait till we finish because next is Beloved and that book sounds interesting. No offense Ms. Hegeman!

My Worst Nightmare

One thing I will constantly talk about is college because that's where most of us will be soon. My dream is to go away to college to get the full experience. But there are 2 things that are stopping my dream from coming true: acceptance letters and MONEYYYYY!!!

People see me and just assume that I will get accepted to all the colleges that I want and I have nothing to worry about. That started being somewhat true, as of today I have gotten 10-11 acceptance letters. But the bad thing is that my top SUNY denied me (University at Buffalo) because of my SAT scores and I literally broke down. I am now scared that the schools I really want to go to will now deny me and now I also need to pick another top NY school. The school I really want to go to is Drexel University, but m strict parents don't want me out the state and also that school is expensive and doesn't give good financial aid, which leads to the second thing stopping my dream.
I believe I have the best combination for a person who needs help with college which is smart and broke. So far I have not won any scholarship which also has me doubting if I will ever get one. So right now I'm just doubting everything but I am praying one of my tops accept me soon so I can feel better about myself.
Hmm maybe Ill switch my top NY school to Hobart and William Smith College. Still thinking though. But anyway I also hope I win some type of scholarship soon.

ID: Egg Experiment

here i go talking about physics again lol.
so in physics we are doing an egg experiment where we need to created a way where the egg wont crack from being released from the ceiling. it is really fun but sad when your egg cracks. unfortunately my groups egg cracked and i was very sad. but we will not have our egg crack in our next test. but overall i really like physics. teachers are still surprised that i didn't take AP bio but i knew i didn't want that because its unnecessary for me since i need physics. Ms. Hudson is a really fun and down to earth teacher and I am actually kind of close with her. she is a teacher i definitely would miss when i graduate. the homework is really hard but i do enjoy the class.

here is a picture of my groups egg (Miles Reyna and Lavonnie)
on the left is him first born (cute right) and on the right is when he died.

R.I.P Eggy  February 23, 2015- February 24, 2015  you will be missed :(

Parents and College

So I was talking to my mother and she doesn't think I am "ready to go away". So this is how I feel about this quote that I know most parents say to the seniors.

Children need to explore on their own to know how to deal with things. For example to me a female should at least go through having 1 boyfriend before college because if they go through a serious break up you never know how they will react in college so its better to go through it in college. Now that kind of goes with not being ready to go away but it doesn't a bit (sorry if this is starting to get confusing). As becoming almost an adult we need to experience things on our own and learn from our own mistakes so we can have a strong mindset of getting through life. If parents baby us all the way through then we will be lost as an adult not really knowing what to do. Going away to college will teach us first of all how to budget because we all know our parents not giving us money 24/7 so we need to manage our spending.  Also we all need to learn how to manage our time and college will definitely teach us that lesson. Parents we don't need you breathing down our necks like we need to breathe. We need to be set free and be able to go on our own .  I'm not going to type everything we will learn but one main thing would be living on our own and dealing with people. We will be picking things for our dorm and living with a complete stranger. This will teach us about socializing with people and keeping ourselves clean (room and body if your dirty).

I don't want to keep talking on and on but I am always having this same conversation with adults about this. Yea sometimes we cant afford to go away but try to win scholarships. And if you have to live at home like if that's the last option then make the best of it. We as young adults deserve some freedom and I believe going away to college is a big start with that.

P.S My bad if I went hard!

New Diet

So to be honest no one understands this but I truly hate my body (mainly my stomach). I believe I'm fat and this is because I am overweight. After my surgery a few years ago everything changed especially my metabolism. Like if you knew me before 8th grade, you would know how thin I was. I started to give up because nothing was working. I try to work out but its like I need encouragement and motivation in order for me to keep going. I also feel like I need a work out buddy (well I don't feel like I do, I know I do). But one thing I am creating is my own diet. Its not going to be a simple diet, its going to take a lot of commitment and some creativity. One thing I do recommend for people who are trying to lose weight is organic green tea. This tea is healthy and helps speed up your metabolism and one place where I get it from is Teavana. This place also has a cool tea maker where you add leaves and hot water then you sit it on top of a cup and it makes tea for you (forgot the name of it). I will be buying it soon but for now I make my own tea.

But anyway I may try to become a pescetarian which is an omnivore who excludes poultry, beef, and pork from their diet but includes fish. This will be hard because I don't know if my mom will only buy me seafood since chicken is cheaper. I am also going to cut out a lot of things such as white rice, processed foods, sugar, and baked pastries (the hardest one). I will not however give up ice cream because that is my passion and I am addicted to it. I did start making detox tea and detox water but I have to buy more ingredients. Also as a snack in my house I would eat dried fruit and regular fresh fruit.

My goal is to fix what I don't like about myself so I can start being happy about myself and how I look. I need to start making time to work out in my home. I will be starting my diet next week because I need to get everything organized and together so good luck to me and I promise to be committed to it.
And please don't judge how I feel about myself I believe I am fat so yea you cant change my mind on what I see myself as.

P.S Off topic but my birthday was so fun and you guys made me feel so special. Thank you so much everyone <3
P.S.S If you want to know about my diet just ask me. 

CRR: Break Homework

so this break the AP class had to memorize a sonnet and recite it to the class. i found memorizing the poem to be quite interesting and not so bad as a assignment. I am not really good at analyzing poems but i hope i did better for the one i had to memorize. but goodness these grammar rules are killing me, one point i understand it and the next i don't and then i get my paper back saying R&R and that gets annoying. also how we all did bad on our feminism essays and we have to do that all over like ughh Ms. Hegeman.
(im sorry you guys i had to release my feelings)
anyway the break home work  was interesting and i cant wait to go cause now i want to get it over with. and also I would like to talk about the timed writings. those are the second worse assignments we do in class. I don't really want to take the AP test at all because i know ima fail just like last year so whats the point.
 I don't know what else to say so I end my blog here.
oh wait by the way im hype because my birthday is January 20th  I will be somewhat legal.
OK now this is the end